"Nothing in this world hurts more than loving someone but not loving yourself. You want to be with that person, but deep down you feel like you don’t deserve them. You feel like you don’t deserve to be loved. So, you push them away because, in the end, you know they deserve better than you."

soooooooooo um i'm back. after 4 years lol. suddenly rasa nak blog bcssssss hm i think i cant be my own therapist anymore. been doing that for years now. dulu, i tell everything to Sarah, my bestfriend since we were in high school. now, i'm not really sure but we still talk sometimes and i love her to death. and then we kinda drifted apart bcs of studies and LDR, i started confiding to my boyfriend about me stuff. i know he couldnt stand listening to my everyday drama about my friends, their boyfriends and how i hate most of them, but at least i knew he tried. and then there was Aisyah. there was initially a group of 4 but recently it went down to just both of us (+ Atikah sometimes). damn. at one point i thought she was my soulmate. i see nothing wrong with her, flawless, i felt so undeserving of her being her close friend. i talk to her about every fucking thing, and so did she. sometimes i think i dont even need Ariff anymore. it was easier back then when we were both studying. but good things dont stay long for me, apparently. after a really bad breakup, Aisyah met this guy and fast forward after a few months they decided to get married. so happy for her tho, but i'm so selfish to think that, well that's it, i'm gonna lose another one. she wasnt even married yet and i already felt like i lost her. other than she has this guy that she's truly in love with, she's also working now - a terrible job she even said. so, i faham that things cant be the same anymore. sometimes i get really offended that she dah takde effort anymore to even facetime me, but then i ingatkan diri i balik about those things i mentioned. so yeah. i lost her. i told her so many times that i'm gonna leave by the end of the year and will permanently stay in JB. i excpected her to understand lah what i was tryna say. PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME!!!!! she's gonna be married and gonna spend the rest of her life with the husband. why cant she spend the little few months left that i have in selangor before i habis belajar. its so fucked up of how much i depend on people??? i talk to Atikah too, not that i cant relate to her anymore, its just that, at one point u know u're just a blergh and irrelevant to someone. she knows me so well. maybe too well. maybe that's why i dont wanna talk to her?? idk. since then, i talk to myself je. sometimes verbally, sometimes just in my head. like, i comfort myself and give solutions. which is of course after the pity party. and then i feel better. i used to wanna cut myself too. bcs when u're hurt inside u feel numb, u wanna feel physical pain to somehow feel something. idk that's how i feel. but then i hate having scars. i have enough already all over body. so i resorted to smoking. coz it hurts in the morning when i wake up, my chest would feel like its gonna explode. and it made me feel better inside to feel another pain.i stopped tho. been clean for 6 months now yay. i'm numb as fuck haha. now, i just deal with it. cry or whatever. cleaning is also therapeutic goddamn. i just vacuumed and mopped the whole house doh, even cleaned the damn bathroom. u know what, i dont even mind that people dont understand me. i used to be so mad that my bestfriends and boyfriend didnt get me. but now i'm ok. coz I GET ME. i know why i'm sad and why i'm mad so i know what to say to myself. i sound like a weirdo and maybe need some professional help. but im ok??? i just hope i dont self sabotage anymore. i need to start to accept that i deserve this life and the happiness that comes with it. also need to stop depending on people to be happy. fuck that. ok that's it i'm out.

i think semua orang pernah rasa je like what they did was never and never will be good enough. try making ur parents happy and satisfied, making people sure that u're doing alright, making urself sure that u've recovered from ur past disappointments and frustrations. u thought u've been good enough to everyone and keep every relationship with people perfect. its weird when people say they know us too well to know what we are capable of doing and not dare to do. heck i dont even know what i'm doing most of the time. semua orang seems to be so sure with their lives, of what or who they want to be. i dont know shit. its so frustrating to keep myself together and not let myself fall off the wagon. sometimes i think i myself is enough, that i am whole. but everytime someone leaves, it breaks the shit of me.

if being with people is hard do i even fit to live alone?! duduk alone with cats and watch game of thrones reruns on tv kalau bosan pon go out just to get take outs and balik rumah tidur. is that how life's supposed to be?! not complaining but i've been trying to understand people around me but why cant anyone see i'm still hurting?? do i need to spell it out so people will finally realize?? i havent recovered!! not when my bestfriend decided to leave me?! when my boyfriend ignores me everytime he discovers something new instead of sharing them with me?? when my family thinks i got a hold of my life after seeing my good grades??? guys i'm not ok!!! i never was. bila korang nak nampak this

2015 and sad

while everyone is celebrating new year's eve with their loved ones, i spent my could-have been memorable night on the floor waiting for him to text me. instead i called him and found that he was already asleep. i dont know it wasnt even a big deal i just felt...so lonely. ada je friends yg wish happy new year and all, ada yg almost made me cry. but sometimes it takes one person's attention to make this lil heart of mine satisfied. i dont have anyone to talk to about this. the only person i dare to open up is sarah. and due to her absence, he took sarah's place. sucks spending new year's eve crying and thinking worst things that could happen.

 

a table for one or two?

u know just now when i was driving back home from lunch, listening to owl city's ocean eyes, i suddenly thought of something. this owl city guy, adam young, such a sweet guy, good looking, smart and talented, but still single. dont get me wrong, but a guy his age, doesnt he has a girlfriend? had, perhaps? 

and then i thought, what do single people do? when u get into a relationship, u will share everything with ur partner, not entirely everything lah but u get the idea. time, space. these two mainly. when u go solo, u have all the time in the world for urself. u manage ur time according to ur convenience. but when u are in a relationship, like it or not u got to squeeze ur schedule to fit in extra time to spend with ur partner. meet ups, short meet ups, late night calls and texting. if these things dont work out the way u guys want it to be, bye lah kan.

but to see in my relationship point of view, we're not that fortunate to get such closure everyday. he's hella busy with his studies and i understand him very well bcs i've been in that road before. so we only text twice or thrice a week, depends on his availability. and sometimes i call him out of the blue bcs rindu kan haha. at first it was damn hard lah but i managed to control my feelings and everything went ok up till now. just when he's free we'll use that time very wiseley lah kan ;-)

back to the topic, what do single people do? kalau girls i understand lah they meroyan here and there on groupchats and twitter other than having crushes everywhere and could give a shit about anything. but guys? like adam young? baby u selalu buat apa selain tweet merepek dalam indon? being the stereotypical bitch i am, main viedo games and watch porn lah kot ok bye.

 

at some point in life i kinda think i was never meant to be happy.

sometimes acceptance means everything to some people. it makes a person feel needed, depended and being looked after. and it took another person to remind me the mistakes i have done when i was with him. the person i accepted. the one i thought was different. the one turned out to be just as same. i'm fucking sick.

can i say he's someone i am so grateful to meet. and so proud to call him mine? 

 

a lil update

so hi, its almost a month i'm back here. nothing dazzling happened so far. probably the most boring semester yet. my pbl mates are cool though i know most of them and we actually kinda have that chemistry whatever stuff. but my first pbl close case was horrible i mean what the fuck did i learn the whole week??? stupid sangat ka aku ni nak explain the main point for our case pon dokleh? god knows lah how pathetic i felt that time. thank god dem guys understood my situation. we were so busy kot!!! i was busy lazying around moaning about my stupid pathetic life i mean geez who wouldnt understand a sad problematic immature girl like me???

like really????

my dad was being very awesome. with all that was happening about kpm results. i didnt get to any ipts though what even ipta???? hang bodoh hang bakpe nak expect benda best??? anyways abah kata "takpe nak abah tak kisah pon abah dapat degree masa abah ada 3 orang anak!!!" something like that lah so if he's cool with anything i choose THEN WHY THE FUCK CANT I DECIDE NOW. seriously i dont really know what to do. if i stay here and proceed with my 5 years left for mbbs, i need to repeat my C spm papers which u dont have to know bcs i'm stupid yes to get my noc. a certificate which i am certified to study medicine oversea (as in actually to study medicine itself). so abah applied some diploma courses for me in case i change my mind. ABAH SARANGHAEYO!!!! he even suggested some medschool in indonesia. why do i deserve such awesomeness??? no fathin u dont bcs ure stupid shut up.

egypt leuls

hi its almost a week now i'm in egypt. fridge rosak water heater rosak lampu rosak apa je yang tak rosak tell me. dah 5 hari makan luar je adoi pokai tau. and winter is anytime soon. ITS TORTURING TO TAKE A BATH NOW SEBAB SEJUK GILA :( tak mboh mandi dah.