soooooooooo um i'm back. after 4 years lol. suddenly rasa nak blog bcssssss hm i think i cant be my own therapist anymore. been doing that for years now. dulu, i tell everything to Sarah, my bestfriend since we were in high school. now, i'm not really sure but we still talk sometimes and i love her to death. and then we kinda drifted apart bcs of studies and LDR, i started confiding to my boyfriend about me stuff. i know he couldnt stand listening to my everyday drama about my friends, their boyfriends and how i hate most of them, but at least i knew he tried. and then there was Aisyah. there was initially a group of 4 but recently it went down to just both of us (+ Atikah sometimes). damn. at one point i thought she was my soulmate. i see nothing wrong with her, flawless, i felt so undeserving of her being her close friend. i talk to her about every fucking thing, and so did she. sometimes i think i dont even need Ariff anymore. it was easier back then when we were both studying. but good things dont stay long for me, apparently. after a really bad breakup, Aisyah met this guy and fast forward after a few months they decided to get married. so happy for her tho, but i'm so selfish to think that, well that's it, i'm gonna lose another one. she wasnt even married yet and i already felt like i lost her. other than she has this guy that she's truly in love with, she's also working now - a terrible job she even said. so, i faham that things cant be the same anymore. sometimes i get really offended that she dah takde effort anymore to even facetime me, but then i ingatkan diri i balik about those things i mentioned. so yeah. i lost her. i told her so many times that i'm gonna leave by the end of the year and will permanently stay in JB. i excpected her to understand lah what i was tryna say. PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME!!!!! she's gonna be married and gonna spend the rest of her life with the husband. why cant she spend the little few months left that i have in selangor before i habis belajar. its so fucked up of how much i depend on people??? i talk to Atikah too, not that i cant relate to her anymore, its just that, at one point u know u're just a blergh and irrelevant to someone. she knows me so well. maybe too well. maybe that's why i dont wanna talk to her?? idk. since then, i talk to myself je. sometimes verbally, sometimes just in my head. like, i comfort myself and give solutions. which is of course after the pity party. and then i feel better. i used to wanna cut myself too. bcs when u're hurt inside u feel numb, u wanna feel physical pain to somehow feel something. idk that's how i feel. but then i hate having scars. i have enough already all over body. so i resorted to smoking. coz it hurts in the morning when i wake up, my chest would feel like its gonna explode. and it made me feel better inside to feel another pain.i stopped tho. been clean for 6 months now yay. i'm numb as fuck haha. now, i just deal with it. cry or whatever. cleaning is also therapeutic goddamn. i just vacuumed and mopped the whole house doh, even cleaned the damn bathroom. u know what, i dont even mind that people dont understand me. i used to be so mad that my bestfriends and boyfriend didnt get me. but now i'm ok. coz I GET ME. i know why i'm sad and why i'm mad so i know what to say to myself. i sound like a weirdo and maybe need some professional help. but im ok??? i just hope i dont self sabotage anymore. i need to start to accept that i deserve this life and the happiness that comes with it. also need to stop depending on people to be happy. fuck that. ok that's it i'm out.
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